Freddie DeBoring Advocates Going Back to the Toilet Age

What’s next, the stone age?

In a recent article, Freddie deBoer questioned the idea that iPhones and AI are the greatest inventions in human history, and challenged those of us who claim they are to start “shitting in [our] yard[s].”

Freddie’s intellectually irresponsible article makes the argument that our reliance on speculative coins, AI generated images, and endless apps is a cultural signifier of missing priorities. Not only do I find these claims unimaginable, I debunk just about every one of them in this article:

While the rest of us are getting rich on our crypto coins, establishment leftists like Freddie deBoer are clinging onto the old ways of ceramic bowls and complicated filtration systems.

I tested your hypothesis about our need for “constant access to free-running clean water and toilets that can remove physical waste.” In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been doing the Freddie deBoer challenge since I read your unhinged article, and I’ve never felt freer.

Thank you, Freddie, for enlightening me on the unnecessary “modern conveniences” of flushing a toilet, because I will most likely never go back.

And in return, Freddie, I challenge you to take a week without trading coins, generating funny images, or joining a Zoom meeting.

Before I continue to boast, allow me to explain how I “deprived” my home of clean water, a toilet, and a refrigerator.

Step 1: Removed the water lines from my house and broke the energy meter to save even more money (not necessary, but super helpful long term. Tired of seeing my electricity go up from mining coins).

Step 2. Uninstalled the toilet from my bathroom. This required hitting it with a hammer until it was in a bunch of small pieces that could be swept up.

Step 3. Found a new place to drink water and shit. There’s a river by my house, so this was very affordable and easy.

Step 4. Take apart refrigerator for resale and dig a 4-foot hole in my backyard for a natural food storage alternative.

Step 4. With new savings on the water bill, I bought an additional graphics card for coin mining.

Step 5. Refurbished “bathroom” into a server room, which will continually generate revenue, instead of an expense.

It was really that simple. It became clear to me after beginning this project that we have advanced so far technologically, that looking backwards is a fool’s errand. I imagine by the time that I finish this article, I will have already stripped myself of another porcelain-white pearl that Freddie is so desperately clutching.

“Is Zoom really a bigger part of your life than food refrigeration, a technology that has saved untold millions of lives over the decades by dramatically reducing deaths from foodborne illness?” Freddie asks in his diatribe.

Yes, Zoom is an invaluable resource, Freddie. How else would we schedule our meetings, or talk to one another? How would we circle back to what we forgot to discuss? This guy is a fucking joke if he thinks we could live without Zoom.

For reference, I had four back-to-back meetings before 11 AM today, and 75% of them were circling back from yesterday’s meetings. Imagine the inefficiency we would introduce if we abolished Zoom, or whatever this psycho communist is suggesting.

A refrigerator mindlessly sits and consumes endless energy. Energy is a digital currency waiting to be mined.

Zoom, AI art, graphics cards, and the like ensure the continued survival of our species.

These existential questions may frighten Freddie, but the real journalists are scouring ChatGpt for answers.

I wanted to be cordial and respectful to Freddie, because he’s a good, serious writer, who I’ve long admired, but he’s starting to piss me off. To put it frankly, I’m trading coins he probably can’t even pronounce. Word on Substack is he’s a weak businessman. Zinda coin, Gourd Coin, Hitler Coin, I basically have a piggy bank of the most valuable coins in the world.

While Freddie is storing meat sticks in his money-sucking ice box, I’m creating generational wealth to support my single lifestyle. I’m generating funny images of Joe Biden as a dead dog. Check it out below, and be sure to support my art.

(A photorealistic human-dog hybrid with human-like facial features resembling an elderly man. The creature has a dog's body, covered in sparse, patchy.)

Due to restrictions and current limitations of AI, I was unable to generate an exact replica of Joe Biden’s face, nor would it depict the dog as “dead” like requested. But we have to remember that this technology is still growing. It is less about where it is currently, but what it eventually will do. For now, simply imagine this creature looks more like Joe Biden.

When we compare it to the endless possibilities of AI, the mighty toilet is quite humbled, wouldn’t you say, Freddie? And to quote the infamous Capital One commercial, “What’s in your wallet?” And I would respond to you and say: “.04613 Hitler coins, which all sell for .0032 cents on the dollar.” (Hint: That’s a lot of money)

If we opened Freddie’s refrigerator, we would find last week’s leftovers. No thanks, I think I’ll stick to DoorDash.